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[fic][ttp/tvd verse]
Summary: A meeting and reflections. cw: child abuse.
It's the intense smell of whiskey that stops John in his tracks all of a sudden. He is leaving a bar with more information on his side. It's supposed to just be a short trip. Supposed to be. John is seconds away from teleporting back to Elena's side. She's still with Christine, which means she is safe, because John is very suddenly not alone.
Jedikiah is there at the bar with a glass in hand in another one of his immaculate suits.
John turns, and his jaw locks but he doesn't look away. He doesn't move an inch at all even though he should teleport away right now, right this second. John wants to know exactly how much Jedikiah might know right now (though trusting a damn word he says is impossible, and getting into his mind? that's equally difficult. it always has been.)
"Hello, John," Jedikiah says, and he lifts up his glass, half-empty with whiskey, taking a long drink from it. John wonders if he remembers like John does, why the scent has an immediate affect on him, sending him back a decade to things he doesn't like to remember.
-------------------------------------
You remember the scent of whiskey always in that house. You remember. The sharp smack of a hand against your face so hard that it throws you back on to the floor because you're small and he has always been so much bigger than you. You remember how the other kids would crowd for the food when you stole it and brought it in big bags. While he used that money for more alcohol that made him meaner, drunker (he was mean either way, sober or not, but he seemed to keep his violence in check more when he was sober). You stood in front of those other kids over and over again, because you were the oldest and if no one else was gonna take care of them, you sure as hell were gonna do it even at ten years old.
They'd be the family you never had (but wanted, but never admit to wanting).
You remember you have no idea who your parents are, were. If they're dead or alive, you don't know. You tell yourself you don't care either.
----------------------------------
"How long do you think you can keep on running?" Jedikiah asks as he gets to his feet slowly, and John reacts, getting into a defensive stance quickly. Jed's hands are up on either side of him with that expression like he expects John to believe he has no ulterior motives here, like this isn't a trap. "How long do you think you can keep her safe for? We both know that's not what you were trained to do."
There's that implication underneath that John always hears.
That's not what I trained you to do.
It's not what you were made for, John.
The other implication underneath is that John will fail, that Elena will get hurt (because of him, because John is a monster, a freak. John was made to kill, trained to hurt, to assault).
--------------------------
You remember when he shows up in front of your door in a suit with a briefcase. You remember that he understands something about you that you don't understand and that no one understands. It's something you've kept a secret, something that is yours, but that makes you different from everyone around you. They don't have that power, and the powers are the only thing that gives you any kind of control, any kind of anything.
You wouldn't dare telling a single person in case they can take it away from you.
You're twelve years old, and you stole a car, and you had cops chasing you, and you brought food to hungry kids where this drunken asshole can't be bothered to try.
Then Jedikaih shows up at the door in a suit with all the answers and all the solutions, knowing what you can do. He is the first person to ever say that you're special, that you're something instead of nothing. He is the first person to ever want you. He takes you away from there. He gives you food, clothes, a roof over your head, and he acts like he cares. No one has ever done that for you before.
Even though camp quickly becomes intense training that leaves you bleeding, leaves you sweating and exhausted and pushing to the breaking point, you'd do anything to make him proud, to make him like you, to make him see you as his son like you see him as the closest thing you've ever had to a father.
You would have given anything to make him happy with you, and you did. You gave up everything. You lost everything for him. You remade yourself and burned parts of your brain out of your skull so you could become a killer.
-------------------------
"How much did you hear?" John sidesteps the conversation entirely, because trying to talk that out with Jedikiah, it's-- it's useless.
It makes John hate himself more. It gives Jedikiah a chance to get into his head (he's always in John's head).
Jedikiah knows John so well. He found John when he was that kid being abused and shoved around. He took John out of there, and Jedikiah never lets him forget it (or forget the hundreds of other things in his past that John tries to shove behind walls so no one can see them).
"Oh, not very much. I mean it, son. What do you think happens when they find out the truth about you? We both know they will eventually. Even those sewer rats will abandon you." There's another pause as he takes a long drink from the glass of whiskey in his hand, and it's the fact that he is drinking that lets John know Ultra agents aren't going to storm in through the doors at any second. He still flinches when Jedkiah uses that word son. "What do you think happens when Elena finds out? You've been telling a lot of lies, haven't you?"
More implications, How is she supposed to trust you?
She's going to hate you. She's going to be afraid like everyone else in your life has been, will be when they find out the truth. No one is ever going to accept you like I will, kid.
John's reaction is entirely inward like an atom bomb exploding through his chest, but there is this increased intensity to his gaze, the slight shift on his feet, and the tightening of his muscles. John tries to shift his gaze, but it is already too late. That is all Jedikiah needs to catch sight of it.
And he knows John's feelings for Elena have developed into something romantic and intense and deeply connected, John doesn't have words for it, but he-- He feels it. He feels it all over even now, even being this far away from her.
"Oh. So it's gotten like that, has it?"
"Do you need something? Because I'm on my way out."
------------------------------------------------
You have never felt anything like this before. When she smiles, the weight on your shoulders is lighter. When she looks over at you, you find you're already looking over to meet her gaze too, and the connection is like a spark that you feel in the air between you both. Her body melts against yours. The two of you meld together, tangle with your limbs, and it is like a dream, nearly unreal in how amazing it feels as you take the articles of clothing off of each other until you are both bare and tangled up in each other and there seems to be nothing else
like time stands still as your hips rock up against hers, as her hands slide down your back gripping hold with want and fire. You both grab hold of each other too tight like it might make the moments last longer than they do.
Elena has this way of smiling at you that makes you feel like you're flying, like you have captured stars in a jar, like you have been filled with the sun. She has this way of looking at you that makes you more aware, more yourself, more settled and more like you're falling all at the same time. There's this dark, intense brown to her eyes, and there's the way that she holds herself and walks and talks, how her words are filled with determination and stubbornness and compassion and passion and intensity. She fights for what she knows is right, and you are so utterly drawn to her and have been from the moment you met her.
You find yourself curled up with her in the evening, arm wrapped around her as she leans against you and reads (sometimes to you, sometimes to herself) like it's simple, like it's right. It feels like both of these things to you, like home, like family, like goodness unlike you've ever known it before. You're both really living in a war, but Elena Gilbert has this affect over you that is indescribable, this affect that makes you feel light and makes smiles come easily and makes you feel understood (like every secret you can never say and every wall that can't come crumbling down could stay up hard and strong, and she'd-- she would want you still, hold you still the way she does now) and not alone.
You've been looking your whole life for a family, and you found one underground, filled with people who had nowhere else to go, who were running too.
But you have also found family with her, only with her miles and weeks away from the lair. With Elena, you feel this belonging and acceptance and love like she has opened up her hands to you, opened up her heart to you even when you-- when walls have surrounded your own chest, your past, your secrets, your lies. Your loyalty to her knows no bounds, and you will not let it end the way Jedikiah wants it to end, but there is that fear-- there is that awareness of secrets kept and the knowing that you are different, different than the lair, different than Elena.
You are different. You are a monster, and you have lied about it and about everything (kept it and pretended).
And you don't know what happens when your secrets come out and you uselessly hope that they never will, but it is terrifying to think that she might not trust you anymore, that it might break her heart, that you might be rejected, that that acceptance that has meant the world to you might crumble to bits, that it might-- that you might lose her. There are so many ways to lose someone, and you don't want to lose her (not in any of those ways).
------------------------------------------------
"Are you determined to live a life of tragedy, John? We both know how this ends."
John's head has lowered still, and he stares at the floor like it might just swallow him whole. His jaw locks, and he shakes his head, but he doesn't say a word (it won't end that way. it won't end that way. elena will be okay.
and when she finds out it won't--)
He lifts his head up again to meet Jedikiah's gaze. "You're wrong, Jed." Big words. Big words for such a small boy. "And I'm sure as hell not your son."
And he teleports, he teleports with the sounds of vans approaching in the distance, teleports as Jedikiah, the closest thing John's ever had to a father, reaches inside of his suit for his gun to shoot him.
It's the intense smell of whiskey that stops John in his tracks all of a sudden. He is leaving a bar with more information on his side. It's supposed to just be a short trip. Supposed to be. John is seconds away from teleporting back to Elena's side. She's still with Christine, which means she is safe, because John is very suddenly not alone.
Jedikiah is there at the bar with a glass in hand in another one of his immaculate suits.
John turns, and his jaw locks but he doesn't look away. He doesn't move an inch at all even though he should teleport away right now, right this second. John wants to know exactly how much Jedikiah might know right now (though trusting a damn word he says is impossible, and getting into his mind? that's equally difficult. it always has been.)
"Hello, John," Jedikiah says, and he lifts up his glass, half-empty with whiskey, taking a long drink from it. John wonders if he remembers like John does, why the scent has an immediate affect on him, sending him back a decade to things he doesn't like to remember.
-------------------------------------
You remember the scent of whiskey always in that house. You remember. The sharp smack of a hand against your face so hard that it throws you back on to the floor because you're small and he has always been so much bigger than you. You remember how the other kids would crowd for the food when you stole it and brought it in big bags. While he used that money for more alcohol that made him meaner, drunker (he was mean either way, sober or not, but he seemed to keep his violence in check more when he was sober). You stood in front of those other kids over and over again, because you were the oldest and if no one else was gonna take care of them, you sure as hell were gonna do it even at ten years old.
They'd be the family you never had (but wanted, but never admit to wanting).
You remember you have no idea who your parents are, were. If they're dead or alive, you don't know. You tell yourself you don't care either.
----------------------------------
"How long do you think you can keep on running?" Jedikiah asks as he gets to his feet slowly, and John reacts, getting into a defensive stance quickly. Jed's hands are up on either side of him with that expression like he expects John to believe he has no ulterior motives here, like this isn't a trap. "How long do you think you can keep her safe for? We both know that's not what you were trained to do."
There's that implication underneath that John always hears.
That's not what I trained you to do.
It's not what you were made for, John.
The other implication underneath is that John will fail, that Elena will get hurt (because of him, because John is a monster, a freak. John was made to kill, trained to hurt, to assault).
--------------------------
You remember when he shows up in front of your door in a suit with a briefcase. You remember that he understands something about you that you don't understand and that no one understands. It's something you've kept a secret, something that is yours, but that makes you different from everyone around you. They don't have that power, and the powers are the only thing that gives you any kind of control, any kind of anything.
You wouldn't dare telling a single person in case they can take it away from you.
You're twelve years old, and you stole a car, and you had cops chasing you, and you brought food to hungry kids where this drunken asshole can't be bothered to try.
Then Jedikaih shows up at the door in a suit with all the answers and all the solutions, knowing what you can do. He is the first person to ever say that you're special, that you're something instead of nothing. He is the first person to ever want you. He takes you away from there. He gives you food, clothes, a roof over your head, and he acts like he cares. No one has ever done that for you before.
Even though camp quickly becomes intense training that leaves you bleeding, leaves you sweating and exhausted and pushing to the breaking point, you'd do anything to make him proud, to make him like you, to make him see you as his son like you see him as the closest thing you've ever had to a father.
You would have given anything to make him happy with you, and you did. You gave up everything. You lost everything for him. You remade yourself and burned parts of your brain out of your skull so you could become a killer.
-------------------------
"How much did you hear?" John sidesteps the conversation entirely, because trying to talk that out with Jedikiah, it's-- it's useless.
It makes John hate himself more. It gives Jedikiah a chance to get into his head (he's always in John's head).
Jedikiah knows John so well. He found John when he was that kid being abused and shoved around. He took John out of there, and Jedikiah never lets him forget it (or forget the hundreds of other things in his past that John tries to shove behind walls so no one can see them).
"Oh, not very much. I mean it, son. What do you think happens when they find out the truth about you? We both know they will eventually. Even those sewer rats will abandon you." There's another pause as he takes a long drink from the glass of whiskey in his hand, and it's the fact that he is drinking that lets John know Ultra agents aren't going to storm in through the doors at any second. He still flinches when Jedkiah uses that word son. "What do you think happens when Elena finds out? You've been telling a lot of lies, haven't you?"
More implications, How is she supposed to trust you?
She's going to hate you. She's going to be afraid like everyone else in your life has been, will be when they find out the truth. No one is ever going to accept you like I will, kid.
John's reaction is entirely inward like an atom bomb exploding through his chest, but there is this increased intensity to his gaze, the slight shift on his feet, and the tightening of his muscles. John tries to shift his gaze, but it is already too late. That is all Jedikiah needs to catch sight of it.
And he knows John's feelings for Elena have developed into something romantic and intense and deeply connected, John doesn't have words for it, but he-- He feels it. He feels it all over even now, even being this far away from her.
"Oh. So it's gotten like that, has it?"
"Do you need something? Because I'm on my way out."
------------------------------------------------
You have never felt anything like this before. When she smiles, the weight on your shoulders is lighter. When she looks over at you, you find you're already looking over to meet her gaze too, and the connection is like a spark that you feel in the air between you both. Her body melts against yours. The two of you meld together, tangle with your limbs, and it is like a dream, nearly unreal in how amazing it feels as you take the articles of clothing off of each other until you are both bare and tangled up in each other and there seems to be nothing else
like time stands still as your hips rock up against hers, as her hands slide down your back gripping hold with want and fire. You both grab hold of each other too tight like it might make the moments last longer than they do.
Elena has this way of smiling at you that makes you feel like you're flying, like you have captured stars in a jar, like you have been filled with the sun. She has this way of looking at you that makes you more aware, more yourself, more settled and more like you're falling all at the same time. There's this dark, intense brown to her eyes, and there's the way that she holds herself and walks and talks, how her words are filled with determination and stubbornness and compassion and passion and intensity. She fights for what she knows is right, and you are so utterly drawn to her and have been from the moment you met her.
You find yourself curled up with her in the evening, arm wrapped around her as she leans against you and reads (sometimes to you, sometimes to herself) like it's simple, like it's right. It feels like both of these things to you, like home, like family, like goodness unlike you've ever known it before. You're both really living in a war, but Elena Gilbert has this affect over you that is indescribable, this affect that makes you feel light and makes smiles come easily and makes you feel understood (like every secret you can never say and every wall that can't come crumbling down could stay up hard and strong, and she'd-- she would want you still, hold you still the way she does now) and not alone.
You've been looking your whole life for a family, and you found one underground, filled with people who had nowhere else to go, who were running too.
But you have also found family with her, only with her miles and weeks away from the lair. With Elena, you feel this belonging and acceptance and love like she has opened up her hands to you, opened up her heart to you even when you-- when walls have surrounded your own chest, your past, your secrets, your lies. Your loyalty to her knows no bounds, and you will not let it end the way Jedikiah wants it to end, but there is that fear-- there is that awareness of secrets kept and the knowing that you are different, different than the lair, different than Elena.
You are different. You are a monster, and you have lied about it and about everything (kept it and pretended).
And you don't know what happens when your secrets come out and you uselessly hope that they never will, but it is terrifying to think that she might not trust you anymore, that it might break her heart, that you might be rejected, that that acceptance that has meant the world to you might crumble to bits, that it might-- that you might lose her. There are so many ways to lose someone, and you don't want to lose her (not in any of those ways).
------------------------------------------------
"Are you determined to live a life of tragedy, John? We both know how this ends."
John's head has lowered still, and he stares at the floor like it might just swallow him whole. His jaw locks, and he shakes his head, but he doesn't say a word (it won't end that way. it won't end that way. elena will be okay.
and when she finds out it won't--)
He lifts his head up again to meet Jedikiah's gaze. "You're wrong, Jed." Big words. Big words for such a small boy. "And I'm sure as hell not your son."
And he teleports, he teleports with the sounds of vans approaching in the distance, teleports as Jedikiah, the closest thing John's ever had to a father, reaches inside of his suit for his gun to shoot him.
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IT IS HOW I ROLL ._.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING IT FOR ME. /wails into the night
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YOU ARE VERY WELCOME. IT WAS MY PLEASURE /wails with you ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
dat icon tho .-. /chinhands :))))))))))))))))))))